


we're culture clashing, hazard smashing

by veel



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aromantic Ben Hargreeves, Aromantic Luther Hargreeves, Asexual Ben Hargreeves, Asexual Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Lives, Bisexual Allison Hargreeves, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Confused Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Eudora Patch Lives, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, GET IT, Genderfluid Klaus Hargreeves, Good Parent Allison Hargreeves, Good Sibling Allison Hargreeves, Good Sibling Ben Hargreeves, Good Sibling Vanya Hargreeves, I'M IGNORING THE INCEST I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT RN, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves is a Brat, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves Deserves Better, M/M, Modern David "Dave" Katz, No Incest, Nonbinary Number Five | The Boy, Number Five | The Boy Being Number Five | The Boy, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy in a Teenage Body, PAN pals, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Protective Allison Hargreeves, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, Protective Luther Hargreeves, Soft Diego Hargreeves, Soft Vanya Hargreeves, Texting, They/Them Pronouns for Number Five | The Boy, Trans Allison Hargreeves, Trans Diego Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Y'know what, also i am. Big Sad, anyway stream bare: a pop opera, but he's tryin his best okay!!, but i like it!!!, but replace that to before lyla got a boyfriend n i was a simp, chapter six isn't a text chapter!!, he/him pronouns for klaus hargreeves, i don't support the incest plotline, i hate me too don't worry, i know someone named lyla n it's so weird typin lila instead, i love mr. pennycrumb n we were robbed of him in the show, i may be experiencing burnout, i might take a little break to get some motivation back, i miss eudora can you tell, i'd die for five highkey, i'm in pain y'all, i'm knee deep into my tua hyperfixation, it may be five-centric because i love that bastard, it's them going on the road trip!!, klaus n eudora are pan pals, lila n eudora would like each other a lot i don't care what you say, literally though, love this for me :'), love this for me fkjsdljk, luther n ben are!! aroace!!!, might write some oneshots to vent, mr pennycrumb in season three might make me feel better, not pen pals, raymond chestnut is the best, reginald didn't raise cishets FSDKJKFD, rip to newsies but i'm different <3, school is really drainin n i need a break sadfjklsdf, the fandom needs to treat luther better you can quote me on that, this is as of writing chapter six, yes every chapter title is a waterparks song, yes i plan to do their entire discography, yes i will include the demos/bonus tracks fuck you, yes this is me bein upset because pretty girl doesn't like me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26169826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veel/pseuds/veel
Summary: a text fic no one wanted
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts, Klaus Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Luther Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Raymond Chestnut/Allison Hargreeves, Sissy Cooper/Vanya Hargreeves, The Hargreeves Family, diego hargreeves/lila pitts/eudora patch, lila pitts/eudora patch
Comments: 45
Kudos: 262





	1. silver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i know it's short but!! yeah asdfkjlkfljds

**klaus has added luther, diego, allison, five, ben, and vanya to the chat**

**klaus has changed their username to i see dead people**

i see dead people: aloha :)

ben: klaus i'm-

**i see dead people has changed ben's username to dead people**

dead people: this is slander

luther: Klaus, why did you make this?

i see dead people: bc we don't have a gc already??

**i see dead people has changed their username to i'm homeless**

**i'm homeless has changed vanya's username to i'm gay**

**i'm homeless has changed luther's username to i have aids**

i have aids: No I don't!

i'm homeless: shhh

i'm homeless: i have to complete itttttt

**i'm homeless has changed five's username to and i'm new in town**

allison: klaus i'm taking your rights away

allison: yoink

**i'm homeless has changed allison's name to rumor has it ooh**

rumor has it ooh: i appreciate this actually

i have aids: I still don't get my username.

diego: that's rough buddy

**i'm homeless has changed diego's username to zuko kinnie**

zuko kinnie: HEY WHAT THE FUCK

i'm homeless: am i wrong???

zuko kinnie: YES

zuko kinnie: 100 TIMES YES

i'm homeless: diego: do i identify as a zuko kinnie? yes. do i not identify as a zuko kinnie? 1000% yes

i'm gay: klaus no.

i'm homeless: klaus yes

zuko kinnie: this family sucks ass

and i'm new in town: no one can hate the hargreeves family more than they already hate themselves

i'm homeless: youre silent for three minutes and come out with straight facts huh

and i'm new in town: not staight facts

and i'm new in town: gay facts

zuko kinnie: oh my god five are you coming out to us

and i'm new in town: i'm already out you fucking twat

dead people: go off i guess

dead people: hey wait shouldn't you be in school?

and i'm new in town: shouldn't you be dead?

i'm homeless: i-

dead people: touche

rumor has it: what are you guys even doing right now?

zuko kinnie: admiring my gf

i'm homeless: he says this but i bet you three dollars hes staring at his knives

and i'm new in town: why only three?

i'm homless: because i'm a broke ass bitch

i'm gay: felt that.

i have aids: What does that mean?

and i'm new in town: okay which one of you allowed the moron to speak?

i'm homeless: omg guys our usernames,, it's perfect

and i'm new in town: ?

and i'm new in town: OH

and i'm new in town: I GET IT NOW

i have aids: Explain please?

rumor has it ooh: how about no???

and i'm new in town: i'll walk up and say hello

and i'm new in town: no wait that's too subtle

and i'm new in town: i'm gonna push him and i'm gonna say 'i'm new in town' no, no, hold back hold back, save 'em, build to that

dead people: how 'bout i go up to him and i push him and i go, "i have aids" no that's too strong, all right

i'm homeless: i'll walk up to him i'm gonna push him i will start with the fact that i am homeless as that is a given

i'm gay: then for a little back story i will pepper in the fact that i am gay," which i know it's tough for gay youths on the street, but that's not like a reason for money. you can't just be like "can you help me out? i'm very gay. i'd like a few dollars."

i have aids: I still don't get it.

zuko kinnie: i??

i'm homeless: i'm so disappointed to call you my brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am once again askin for feedback in the comments 🥺


	2. bones of '92

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey i like this chapter a lot SFDKJFDJKL

dead people: I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT H

i'm gay: I TOLD YOU TO WATCH OUT!

and i'm new in town: you know what'd be cool? context

i have aids: What Five said.

i'm gay: SO BEN AND I WERE AT A PAINTING CLASS BECAUSE HE LIKES TO PAINT.

i'm gay: AND HE TRIPS OVER A PENCIL.

i'm gay: HE JUST GETS COVERED IN PAINT.

dead people: AND IT'S RED PAINT TOO

dead people: DIEGO THOUGHT I MURDERED SOMEONE

zuko kinnie: IT'S A GENUINE CONCERN BRO

i'm homeless: i-

rumor has it ooh: i'm not even surprised honestly

**i'm homeless has changed and i'm new in town's username to horrific rat bastard**

horrific rat bastard: why

horrific rat bastard: i'm not saying you're wrong

horrific rat bastard: but why

i'm homeless: because you watched the new season of 7 deadly sins w/o me 

i'm homeless: is it okay if i commit fractel

i'm homeless: farm

i'm homeless: frame

i'm homeless: the muder of one's own sibling

horrific rat bastard: i think the word you're looking for is 'fratricide'

i'm homeless: that's the one!!!

rumor has it ooh: wait you two watch anime?

i'm homeless: hell yeah we do

horrific rat bastard: no

i'm homeless: we watch it together every saturday night when yall r out

horrific rat bastard: no we don't

i'm homeless: yes we do

i'm homeless: if i remember correctly

i'm homeless: u begged me to watch kakegurui with u

i'm homeless: because u were afraid of being afraid

horrific rat bastard: wasn't that the other way around?

i'm homeless: oh

i'm homeless: right

i'm gay: klaus i-

zuko kinnie: are you fucking kidding me

zuko kinnie: are you FUCKING KIDDING me

zuko kinnie: all this goddamn time

zuko kinnie: all this time i've spent not talking about yuri on ice

zuko kinnie: when you ASSHOLES have been watching anime this WHOLE FUCKING TIME

i have aids: What's anime?

dead people: bro

dead people: b r o

**i'm homeless has changed i have aids's username to ape man**

ape man: Not cool.

ape man: If you make fun of me, you better make fun of Five as well.

i'm homeless: ???

ape man: After all, he is the daddy here.

horrific rat bastard: eat shit

rumor has it ooh: UM???

rumor has it ooh: ISN'T THAT?? DOES LUTHER HAVE?? A DADDY KINK??

rumor has it ooh: OH MY GOD YOU TWO HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING RIGHT???

rumor has it ooh: PLEASE TELL ME THERE ISN'T INCEST

horrific rat bastard: no, there isn't

horrific rat bastard: he just wouldn't kill me, so i told him i'm in charge and that he should kill me

horrific rat bastard: guys?

horrific rat bastard: guys it's been ten minutes where did you go?

horrific rat bastard: oh my god guys i meant he wouldn't kill fifty-eight year old me

dead people: somehow that's worse???

zuko kinnie: bro

zuko kinnie: if you ever need to talk

zuko kinnie: we're always gonna be here for you

i'm gay: the offer for the therapist i know is still up

rumor has it ooh: you don't have to keep your emotions bottled up anymore

rumor has it ooh: you can tell us whatever you want

i'm homeless: youre safe now!! you dont have to be afraid

dead people: we love you five

horrific rat bastard: okay that was sweet and all

horrific rat bastard: but seriously i was suffering from paradox psychosis

horrific rat bastard: i was in the last stage, homocidal rage

horrific rat bastard: luther just so happened to be the one i brought along

ape man: Yeah.

zuko kinnie: so you're telling me that out of all of us

zuko kinnie: you took luther with you

zuko kinnie: l u t h e r

horrific rat bastard: to be fair

horrific rat bastard: you, klaus, and ben were gone; allison was doing god knows what; and vanya threatened to murder me like

horrific rat bastard: and none of you have ever calmed me down from a panic attack so <3

i'm homeless: UH???

horrific rat bastard: friendship ended with diego, allison, klaus, ben, and vanya; luther's my best friend now

rumor has it: you can't make us forget about your trauma with a joke five <3

dead people: i mean this in the nicest way possible

dead people: but go see a therapist <3

horrific rat bastard: you guys first <3

i'm homeless: hargreeves family therapy session lol

i'm gay: ....y a y

horrific rat bastard: oh yeah diego

horrific rat bastard: kindly don't call me bro

zuko kinnie: shit sorry sib

horrific rat bastard: it's fine

horrific rat bastard: you can make it up to me by watching toradora with me

zuko kinnie: i'm down

i'm homeless: im coming too!!!

dead people: y'know what

dead people: i'll join you

i'm gay: allison and i are down!

i'm gay: her phone died, by the way

ape man: Since everyone else is going, I will too. :)

i'm homeless: im sorry luther but that smiley face made me gag

ape man: >:(

i'm homeless: thats better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will ask for validation every chapter because i'm That Bitch :')


	3. i was hiding under your porch because i love you

rumor has it ooh: so if i maybe

rumor has it ooh: attended a protest

rumor has it: would you all come with me?

i’m homeless: hell fucking yes!!!

i’m homeless: wait what kinda protest

rumor has it ooh: blm

i’m homeless: oh hell fucking yes!!!

dead people: sure!!!

ape man: Anything to support my favorite sister!

ape man: Full offense, Vanya.

i’m gay: wow.

i’m gay: w o w

i’m gay: but anyway, i’ll go! :)

zuko kinnie: i’ll think about it

rumor has it ooh: ??

zuko kinnie: eudora and lila want to go to one as well

zuko kinnie: is it fine if i bring them along too

rumor has it ooh: of course!

rumor has it ooh: i’m bringing ray btw

dead people: is five coming???

zuko kinnie: sib

zuko kinnie: you alive still

horrific rat bastard: if anyone lays a hand on you allie

horrific rat bastard: i will fucking murder them without hesitation

horrific rat bastard: bye bye pigs

ape man: Wait what?

i’m gay: we’ve all forgotten that five is *technically* gen z.

rumor has it ooh: oh

rumor has it ooh: also five called me ‘allie’

horrific rat bastard: no i didn’t

rumor has it ooh: that’s hilarious

i’m homeless: yall mind if i add eudora???

i’m homeless: she saved me from handle and chu chu

horrific rat bastard: h

horrific rat bastard: handle

horrific rat bastard: handle and chu chu??

horrific rat bastard: hazel,,,,

horrific rat bastard: hazel and cha cha,,,

horrific rat bastard: it’s hazel and cha cha you fucking fool

i’m homeless: who cares?? she saved me anyway so

**i’m homeless has added eudora to the chat**

**i’m homeless has changed eudora’s username to savior**

savior: ???

zuko kinnie: hi hon

savior: Diego??? is that you??

zuko kinnie: yeah

savior: wait who added me

i’m homeless: :)

i’m homeless: still havent thanked you

i’m homeless: thanks for saving me :)) 

savior: you thanked me when we crawled through the vents??

savior: anyway where did you go after we escaped??

savior: doesn’t matter right now, tell you later

i’m homeless: when did you quit??

savior: right after I saved you,,

savior: they yelled at me for not taking orders so

rumor has it ooh: good for you!!!

savior: I’m gonna add my girlfriend

zuko kinnie: *our* girlfriend

**savior has added lila to the chat**

**savior has changed lila’s username to pretty lady**

pretty lady: UH

pretty lady: WHAT IS THIS

savior: hi sweet

pretty lady: HELLO LOVE

zuko kinnie: oh okay forget about me i guess

savior: i mean like

pretty lady: YOU’RE A MAN

pretty lady: FUCK MEN

i’m homeless: wait you fuck diego??

i’m homeless: haha bottom

zuko kinnie: I AM NOT A FUCKING BOTTOM!!!

savior: yeah he’s not a bottom

savior: a switch, I guess

rumor has it ooh: hey uh guys

horrific rat bastard: what does that mean??

rumor has it ooh: u h

zuko kinnie: oh shit

pretty lady: WHY WHAT’S GOING ON

savior: wait please don’t tell me,,,

dead people: eudora

dead people: lila

dead people: there is. a child in the chat

horrific rat bastard: i’m not a fucking child for fucks sake

i’m gay: buddy that was a lot of ‘fuck’ for one sentence.

i’m gay: especially since you’re a child. 

horrific rat bastard: i just wanna know what a bottom is

i’m homeless: you

i’m homeless: youre a bratty bottom :/

rumor has it ooh: KLAUS

rumor has it ooh: they’re a CHILD

i’m homeless: relax

i’m homeless: they’re almost fourteen

i’m homeless: let’s give them a sex ed

dead people: U H

dead people: NO????

dead people: LET’S NOT???

ape man: Calm down.

i’m gay: no.

rumor has it ooh: i’ll die mad about this

savior: yeah. if I’d known he was a child, I wouldn’t have defended Diego

horrific rat bastard: okay

horrific rat bastard: first of all, i’m not a child

horrific rat bastard: second of all, my pronouns are they/them

savior: I’m sorry I got them wrong!

horrific rat bastard: it’s fine, you didn’t know

horrific rat bastard: third of all, what the hell is a bottom

i’m gay: so the protest right?

rumor has it ooh: yeah? what about it??

i’m gay: when is it?

horrific rat bastard: don’t change the subject!!!

rumor has it ooh: soon!!!

horrific rat bastard: funny how lila just left

savior: she’s driving us to your place

horrific rat bastard: one of you better tell me what a bottom is

horrific rat bastard: and if klaus said i am one

horrific rat bastard: then i assume it means i’m not

horrific rat bastard: i don’t trust that dumbass

i’m homeless: but i’m right!!!

savior: we do not claim you

i’m homeless: shes calling herself a bottom i-

i’m homeless: but five isnt in your subgroup of bottoms

i’m homeless: theyre a brat

i’m homeless: youre not

savior: love you Klaus <3

i’m homeless: love you too dora <3

zuko kinnie: turns out the pansexuals get along

zuko kinnie: if only the bis got along

rumor has it ooh: imagine

horrific rat bastard: imagine

pretty lady: IMAGINE

horrific rat bastard: aren’t you driving

savior: she asked me to text that using her phone lmao

i’m gay: you know who else gets along?

i’m gay: the cishets.

ape man: There isn’t a CisHet in the chat though.

rumor has it ooh: what???

ape man: I’m AroAce?

ape man: I thought I told you.

dead people: aroace gang rise the fuck up!!!!

i’m gay: love that for you two!

i’m gay: anyway, anyone know a lesbian?

i’m gay: oh wait.

**i’m gay has added sissy to the chat**

i’m gay: i have a wife huh.

rumor has it: don’t forget about your son!!

i’m gay: leave harlan out of this he’s too young.

**rumor has it ooh has added raymond to the chat**

**rumor has it ooh has changed raymond’s username to ray of sunshine**

sissy: Vanya

sissy: Is this a group chat

i’m gay: yes.

i’m gay: y’all wanna introduce yourselves?

i’m gay: include your pronouns and ages too.

i’m homeless: klaus, he/him, 34!!!

zuko kinnie: diego, he/him, 29

rumor has it ooh: allison, she/her, 31!!

ape man: luther, he/him, 31

i’m gay: vanya, she/her, 29.

dead people: ben, he/him, 16 or 34

savior: Eudora, she/her, 30

pretty lady: LILA, SHE/THEY IT REALLY DEPENDS, 29

**pretty lady has changed their username to pretty lady (she/her)**

sissy: Sissy, she/her, 33

ray of sunshine: raymond or ray, he/him, 35

pretty lady (she/her): IS THAT EVERYONE

i’m homeless: lol no

ray of sunshine: wait ben how are you either 34 or 16

ray of sunshine: and i thought you siblings were all born on the same day

dead people: time travel shenanigans explains our ages

dead people: remember?? you two were in the sixties lmao

dead people: also i died when i was sixteen but vanya kinda resurrected me

horrific rat bastard: oh hi there

i’m gay: introduce yourself, sibling.

horrific rat bastard: i just might, sister

horrific rat bastard: five, they/them, 58

i’m homeless: lmao no

i’m homeless: youre 13

i’m homeless: almost 14

horrific rat bastard: i’m literally 58

i’m homeless: your body says otherwise <3

horrific rat bastard: i hate it here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


	4. they all float

rumor has it ooh: got called a slur today in walmart lads

horrific rat bastard: where are you now??

rumor has it ooh: still at walmart being called slurs

rumor has it ooh: they stole my fucking car as well

horrific rat bastard: allie i'm coming to get you

rumor has it ooh: you aren't old enough to d

rumor has it ooh: y'all they're screaming at people i'm afraid

zuko kinnie: i-

i'm homeless: omg five youre so protective

horrific rat bastard: seeing all of your siblings die three times does that to you <3

zuko kinnie: wait

zuko kinnie: three times

zuko kinnie: t h r e e

horrific rat bastard: mhm

zuko kinnie: i'm? why didn't you say anything

horrific rat bastard: :)

i'm gay: now we don't have time to unpack all of that.

zuko kinnie: reference john mulaney one more time and i will strangle you i sweat to god

zuko kinnie: swear

i'm gay: sweat.

i'm homeless: sweat,,,

rumor has it ooh: sweat

i'm homeless: as in

i'm homeless: a fever you cant sweat out??

i'm gay: i constantly sweat god for esteban

zuko kinnie: you make one mistake in front of klaus and his sisters come to make fun of you like pack it up emos we get it

dead people: SFDJLKFDSLKJ

dead people: you heard it emos

dead people: out <3

i'm homeless: top ten anime betrayals

savior: calm down babe

zuko kinnie: alright hon

dead people: imagine having a partner

horrific rat bastard: imagine

ape man: Imagine.

dead people: klaus why haven't you responded

i'm homeless: because?? im taken??

rumor has it ooh: SINCE WHEN???

zuko kinnie: sounds fake but okay

zuko kinnie: wait is this the one dude you told me about that died in vietnam

i'm homeless: yeah turns out he sorta time traveled to find me

i'm homeless: said some short dude approached him with a briefcase saying 'you're bf needs you <3'

i'm homeless: and all of a sudden dave's sanding right in front of me

i'm gay: how long have you been dating?

i'm homeless: oh we arent dating

i'm gay: i'm sorry,

horrific rat bastard: did he reject you?? who's ass do i have to kick??

i'm homeless: we got married <3

zuko kinnie: KLAUS WHAT THE FUCK

savior: you seriously didn't tell your siblings?

rumor has it ooh: YOU KNEW?????

savior: yeah? I thought he told you guys

i'm homeless: it was at vegas okay

i'm homeless: we were drunk and thought itd be funny

i'm homeless has added dave to the chat

i'm homeless has changed dave's username to cat

cat: ?

i’m homeless: welcome to the family group chat!!

i’m homeless: youll fit in here :)

cat: Klaus I’ve been here for three months now and this is the first time you have mentioned your siblings

i’m homeless: i mean i am the oldest sibling and us older siblings dislike the young

horrific rat bastard: no??

horrific rat bastard: i’m literally over two decades older than you

i’m homeless: shut your 13 yr old mouth and admit youre just a baby

horrific rat bastard: no

i’m homeless: i could tell them about you know what <3

horrific rat bastard: fine

horrific rat bastard: i’m just a baby

dead people: what are you two talking about??

dead people: WAIT I KNOW

dead people: i was there when it happened

i’m homeless has changed horrific rat bastard’s username to baby

baby: this is slander

i’m homeless: it’s true <33

baby: i hate it here

cat: Who are you

baby: i’m klaus’ older brother 

i’m homeless: *younger

i’m homeless: anyway their name is five and i love them dearly

cat: Nice to meet you Five

baby: ditto

dead people: ‘DITTO’???

dead people: FUCKING ‘DITTO’???

dead people: anyway i’m ben :)

cat: Nice to meet you Ben

i’m gay: hi i’m vanya, @rumor has it ooh is allison, @ape man is luther, and @zuko kinnie is diego!

cat: You all sound lovely

baby: um no

savior: hello i’m one of Diego’s girlfriends, Eudora

pretty person (they/them): I’M DIEGO AND EUDORA’S PARTNER/GIRLFRIEND (DEPENDS ON THE DAY) LILA

ray of sunshine: i’m ray

ray of sunshine: allison’s husband

sissy: i’m vanya’s wife sissy

cat: Cool

cat: Hi

zuko kinnie: this is the dude our brother married huh

i’m homeless has changed zuko kinnie’s username to knife man

knife man: this is better

knife man: call me zuko again and i will not hesitate to stab you

i’m homeless: but i thought itd be a compliment :(

knife man: no <3

savior: be nice, Diego

i’m homeless: my hero :)

pretty person (they/them): EW THAT’S STRAIGHT

savior: Lila, we’re literally dating

pretty person (they/them): I KNEW THAT LOVE

savior: that’s nice, sweet

knife man: ew get a room

rumor has it ooh: aren’t y’all dating???

ape man: Yeah, don’t you have a polyamorous relationship?

knife man: what great observations numbers one and three

rumor has it ooh: shut it number two

knife man: you sound like number five

baby: no she sounds like number six

i’m homeless: but number six sounds like dad

dead people: i don’t fucking sound like dad, klaus. don’t compare me or anyone else to him.

i’m gay: ben sister snapped

dead people: aw thanks number seven <3

i’m gay: it wasn’t a compliment but you’re welcome, number six <3

pretty person (they/them): Y’ALL I GOT A NEW JACKET

pretty person (they/them): IT LOOKS FUCKING AMAZING

pretty person (they/them) has sent thisjacketisthebomb.jpg

savior: you’re so pretty oh my god

i’m gay: n i c e

knife man: i dunno about you

knife man: but i’d simp <3

i’m homeless: you look gorgeous :)

pretty person (they/them): THANK YOU TO KLAUS AND KLAUS ONLY

i’m gay: wow i’m offended

i’m homeless: dont be vanny

i’m homeless: people just like me more bc no offense but i have social skills

i’m gay: that’s fair.

i’m homeless: diego, allison, ben and me are all great at socializing

ape man: *Diego, Allison, Ben, and I

i’m homeless: luther and vanya?? yall are decent at communicating

baby: what about me??

i’m homeless: honey

i’m homeless: you have no social skills whatsoever

baby: damn i hate that you’re right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all should. give your thoughts,,


	5. fantastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been informed that in my last chapter, i included an ableist phrase on accident. i wanted to apologize formally to all of you who read it. if i ever write anything that makes you uncomforable or is ableist/racist/sexist/homophobic, i would like any one of you to call me out on this. again, apologize for including it.
> 
> the chapter has since been edited and you will no longer be able to find it.

knife man: god am i tired

baby: rip <3

knife man: and i’m bored

knife man: we should do something as a family

i’m homeless: we binged toradora like,, three days ago??

rumor has it ooh: we went to a protest two days ago??

dead people: you’ve been talking to all of us for days??

knife man: i was thinking we could go to a waterpark but okay

baby: only if we go to kings island

baby: i went there once in the apocalypse

baby: it was cool

i’m gay: isn’t that in ohio?

i’m homeless: family road trip!!!!!

ape man: I can’t make it, I have work.

knife man: we’ll go with out you <3

ape man: Fine, I’ll take a vacation day.

dead people: everyone gets to bring a +1!!

i’m homeless: im bringing dave!! :)

ape man: I’ll bring Elliott.

ape man: Turns out Herb saved him by giving him a briefcase as well.

rumor has it ooh: i’ll bring ray!!

dead people: lila’s my plus one :)

pretty person (they/them): SORRY EUDORA AND DIEGO, BEN’S MY NEW BFF

knife man: then i guess i’m bringing eudora huh

i’m gay: sissy!

sissy: Yes ?

i’m gay: you’re my plus one!

sissy: Okay

baby: oh

baby: okay

baby: what if i

baby: don’t want to come

savior: you literally suggested the place?

baby: yeah well

baby: i didn’t think it through

knife man: well that’s a first

knife man: but why don’t you want to come

baby: just don’t like amusement parks

baby: or waterparks since there’s one next to it

baby: or people

baby: people don’t like me either

i’m gay: so? we love you five. that’s all that should matter.

baby: okay yeah but like

baby: i still don’t want to go <3

rumor has it ooh: i’ll buy you some fudge nutters,,

rumor has it ooh: does that change your mind???

baby: yes actually

i’m gay: damn i thought we could replace you with harlan.

baby: glad to know you care about me so much

i’m gay: i’m bringing harlan anyway y’all should know that.

knife man: but wouldn’t that be two people instead of one

i’m gay: wow you can do math who knew.

i’m gay: but i’m not leaving him alone with a babysitter.

sissy: She is right

sissy: We are bringing him

baby: vanya

baby: we aren’t bringing children

i’m gay: but we’re bring you?

baby: i hate it here

baby: fine the kid can come

cat: Klaus

i’m homeless: yes my dearest???

cat: I love you

i’m homeless: oh

i’m homeless: i love you too

dead people: that was disgusting

dead people: never do it again

i’m homeless: can i not tell my husband i love him??

rumor has it ooh: no

ray of sunshine: no.

i’m gay: lmao no.

i’m homeless: okay fine i see how it is!!!

knife man: still can’t believe you got married and didn’t tell us

savior: he told me

knife man: you don’t count <3

savior: </3

knife man: D:

savior: :D

knife man: >:(

savior: :o

pretty person (they/them): OKAY LET’S STOP YOU RIGHT THERE

i’m homeless: no one:

i’m homeless: go and dora: *fights in emoticon*

knife man: go

knife man: is that your nickname for me

i’m homeless: perhaps,,

**i’m homeless has changed knife man’s username to go**

i’m homeless: its because i dont wanna say diego everytime,,

go: i put the die in go

rumor has it ooh: WHY DID I WHEEZE

dead people: wimp

dead people: you’ve never actually died

go: yes but i have committed murder

go: and threatened to murder an old lady

baby: luther, staring at diego’s message: monkeylookingaway.jpg

go: DFSKJLFDKSJLLJF

rumor has it ooh: i don’t get it,,

ape man: Well, I’m sorry I can’t read Swedish.

dead people: what??

dead people: the fuck???

i’m homeless: are yall okay or

go: inside joke i guess

baby: olga foroga shouldn’t be an inside joke 

baby: tell everyone how you couldn’t read oga for oga

i’m gay: eye for an eye?

rumor has it ooh: eye for an eye??

i’m homeless: eye for an eye,,

dead people: that says?? eye for an eye??

baby: now tell everyone how you read it

ape man: Olga.

go: olga foroga

i’m gay: I’M LAUGHING SO HARD-

dead people: himbos, amirite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay since the first note is really weird for me to be typin,, what if i. wrote an actual chapter that isn't text-


End file.
